Sometimes I Get Mad...

Some times I get mad.... While I was working out last Friday morning I looked at my trainer while I was in my abdominal circuit and I was tired and hurting and I said "I get so mad that I've been fat from the get go"

Thinking through some of the things I told him, and later my Mom, it amazes me how vivid some of my childhood memories are that involve my weight. Let me give a few candid examples:

I played softball for a long time and I remember when we changed from our cute T-ball uniforms to our softball uniforms was about the same time that my body began going through changes and I started to fill out. I remember taking note of the fact that everyone on the team other than me (or so it seemed) was thin enough that the wide elastic waist band of our softball pants stretched straight across from hip bone to hip bone, but mine filled out between hip bones. 

Dance class when I was maybe 4-7, I remember that I was one of the biggest kids in class (height wise too), not that I was just really big but everyone else was still in the tiny tiny stage. I seemed to fill out my tights better than anyone else. 

2nd grade lunch time. I remember the exact table that my good friend and I were sitting at when we discussed our weight. We talked about how our thighs weren't as skinny as our other friends' thighs. Seriously! I was 8 years old.

Let me just stop here to make it clear that my parents were very loving and never mentioned weight to me until middle school/ high school when it actually became an issue that they needed to help with. Even then, they were wonderful in their approach. 

So those three stories were from early elementary school. There are many other stories, but those stick out. So I was talking with mom about this over the weekend and she said something that made me think. "You weren't overweight as a child, you were healthy", did I have an inaccurate view of myself that young?! I've seen pictures of myself at 5 or 6. I was thin at that time. Not "skinny", just thin. "Healthy" as my mom said. But I dint remember not worrying about my weight.   Best I can remember it was 2nd - 3rd grade when I began to fill out a little too much. (just before puberty)  I remember making weight loss goals all through middle school and high school. I was always an athlete so how did I miss the skinny train!??

I was in my best shape ever in high school when I played soccer. (Sophomore and Junior years) I ran all the stinkin time and usually had marching band practice on those same soccer practice days. Sometimes soccer was at 6:00am in summer. That year my cousin and I hit the gym every single morning at 5:00am and worked out until we showered and got ready to drive to school. So that "in the best shape" time in my life came at a cost.... Hard work and lots of it. 

I had to quit soccer my senior year (lots of physical activity) because I was Drum Major for the band (therefore my band physical activity all shifted to the upper body, no longer full body). I gained about 20-30 pounds my senior year. Also the year that I was diagnosed with Myofascial Pain Syndrome and the beginning of fibromyalgia. 

During the summer I had my first ever weight loss success. Mom and I did the South Beach diet. The Atkins craze was still going on but for those that new better than to eat all
Protein and no carbs here came south beach! We were hard core (dad kept
Us that way, lol) I moved to Murray State that fall at a much healthier weight. I met Brandon at that much healthier weight!

Over my 5 years in college and now 3 years of teaching (oh my goodness I'm getting old!) I have yo-yoed 5-10 pounds at a time. Any time I've had success it's come with hours in the gym, vigorous nutrition goals, and eventually burn out. I'm not burning out this time and that is a great success. However, I still get frustrated!

Why do I have to work so stinkin hard? One thing that I truly believe with all my heart and I've said on many occasions is that I know that my body being difficult is a blessing. My outer body is what isn't up to my standards and because I've worked so hard my blood pressure, cholesterol, sugar, resting heart rate, etc are all fabulous! So I thank God that he has provided me with a body that communicates what it needs from me. I'm glad that I'm not eating everything under the sun, staying skinny, and damaging my heart day in and day out. I get that! But now that I'm aware and I do work so hard I was success. I want benefits from my work. Why have I had to struggle for my entire life to try to get my body thin and healthy!?

I'm working to answer these lifelong questions. 

Next Post : I wondered through the Christian Inspiration section at Barnes & Noble yesterday while Brandon had already settled in with a book and I was chatting with mom on the phone. I ran across a book that caught my eye, "10 Lessons from a Former Fat Girl", by Amy Parham (a Biggest Loser contestant). I sat down and was amazed by chapter one. I'll tell about this in the next post.